I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
