this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
