I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
