How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
