Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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