the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
