Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
