When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
