We won't sleep together?
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
