Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
