I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
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But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
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Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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