They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
