We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
