I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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