I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
