Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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