I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
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