When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
