you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Randomize
