That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
