I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
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