the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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