1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
