My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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