im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
