what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Drunk is not a location!
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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