What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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