Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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