I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
