I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
