tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Success! We fucked roommates!
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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