Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
