I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
The best revenge is premature balding
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
