If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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