His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
