There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
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