So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
