I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
