That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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