this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
