im six kinds of drunk right now
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
