Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
