Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
We need a shit load of segways right now
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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