so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
