1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
