I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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