i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
