either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
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