I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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