I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
