i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
