Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
