I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
