the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
