In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
