Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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