Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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