I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
