You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
